The Degenerate Confessions of a Secret Diary

even though i don’t have a steady girlfriend, i have been having a decent amount of sex and dating quite a bit. but i gotta say, there are days when i’m just home alone, and don’t reeeally want to go out with any of the girls available to me. it feels pretty lonely.

i miss seeing my friends often.

i was watching this movie called “i love you, man” haha. it’s not a romantic comedy and NO, it’s not a movie about homosexuals. it’s what some are calling a bro-mance movie. and at first i thought it was silly and a ridiculous farce. but while it’s an extreme situational movie. it does hold some truths, at least for me.

the main character is one of those dudes that get along really well with girls and only have female friends. all his guy friends are just acquaintances and no one he really hangs out with or talks to much. he is in a perfect happy relationship with a girl and she just agrees to marry him.

but now that he is going to get married. he realizes he has no best man, cause he has no real male friends. so begins his sad but funny quest to make male friends as an adult man who has never really had one.

he goes through the hoops to only find a lonely old man, a gay man who thinks they are on a date, and a desperate and awkward loser.

finally, he meets a pretty cool dude at his open house who has his shit together and has no apparent problems and there begins the bro-mance.  or bro-mantic comedy. ha, wow that’s bad.

anyway, this “pretty cool dude” i realized is ME! he’s a cool regular guy that a lot of guys would want to be friends with.

the main question that comes up is what’s wrong with this guy that he doesn’t already have a ton of friends that take up most of his time.

weeeell, it’s because like me, he’s in 30′s and is not ready to settle down or even have a girlfriend. he just dates girls with no commitment. but all of his friends that he’s had probably during his 20′s have now moved on to marriage/kids and serious responsibilities. which leaves him with a lot more free time and less friends or least less time with his friends.

this is almost exactly the transitional period i am in right now in my life.

and while this was a funny movie and had a happy ending and all. it made me realize the single life stage of my life has past and gone. sad. not cause i’m single, but that i can’t hang out with my friends as much anymore in with the lifestyle i once had.

i’m a friendly guy and can make many an acquaintance, but genuine friendships are hard to come by. how does someone go about making real good friends in his 30′s that aren’t already setup with their groups of old friends?

so i have stopped seeing Tasha, one of the girls i was dating, cause i didn’t want to lead her on too much. i think i got to the point with her where it was pretty clear, there was nothing there more than physical attraction. plus she was scaring me with her paranoia and obsessing over the trivial. i could tell she was going to give me anxiety attacks.

last night i had the cute brazilian girl i’ve been talking to over at my place for the first time, screaming, moaning and waking up my neighbors. not brazilian of the gisele bundchen persuasion, who is probably more white/european, but brazilian in the real latin america sense. long, dark curly hair, 5’2″, slim, but curves in the right places. and while i try not to pay attention to stereotypes, once again without fail, i have had an experience with a latin girl who can move her waist and ass like no other. and don’t tell me they learn it form dancing, because i have gone dancing with her and she’s mediocre at best. but in the bedroom, she was the definition of passionate lover. i must admit, my world got rocked.

is she a keeper though? i’m still trying to give her more time. i have yet to feel anything from the gut or anything emotional for her. she’s a sweet, sweet girl. really nice. and while i can’t find anything wrong with her. i still feel like i may be looking for something else.

i always laugh when i hear a girl say, they are “carrie” from sex and the city. i just nod and agree. yeah. sure you are. i guess it makes them feel liberated and empowered. that’s great. you go, girl! but as a guy, i think that show made it easier for us to have sex with women. it made it okay to have flings and one night stands without the negative stigma attached.

while i’m actually a fan of the HBO show: sex and the city; living in nyc is hardly the fairy tale for women as the show’s happy ending portrays. while yes, there’s probably lots of sex, but certainly no love for them. in reality the four single 30-40+ aged women probably end up single, used, lonely, bitter and owning many, many cats.  sounds harsh? sorry, but that’s the truth.

i was reading an article on oktrends which is the the blog site for okcupid which is the best free online dating site and according to them, most men prefer to date younger women. and while the article was trying to convince men to give older ladies a shot, because they become easier and less picky, the ugly truth is: you just can’t reason with dicks.

guys want what they want. a young woman in her physical prime of her early twenties is just more desirable for most guys. and even as the guys get older and they try to pick older women, more age appropriate for themselves as they get older too; bottom line, the women they choose will still be younger than them.

there was a study done on how there are almost twice as many single women in nyc as there are single men. and many young single women come to nyc to live the sex and the city dream, but unfortunately for most girls in their prime, they squander that unique moment in time to take advantage of the immense leverage they have over men.

and NOTE: i’m not saying all women are like this!

but it seems many make foolish decisions and waste time partying it up with the wrong guys. and then as they age and grow older and wiser, they are not as desired anymore. by the time they are in their late twenties, they still feel like they have time, unfortunately they somehow feel they are entitled to getting the same quality of men as when they were younger. and while they may still be able to bed these guys. none of them are actually looking to settle down with any of them.

by their 30′s these same guys are still playing around and having fun. why should a guy settle down when there’s such a huge surplus of young single women? if anything the guys are becoming more established in life, more experienced, more successful and more interesting! and as long as he can keep his hair and not gain too much weight, he’s probably just starting to reach HIS prime where he has more options and can have his pick of the litter.

so as women hit their 30′s the panic starts to set in and finally they start to appreciate the guys they probably would have overlooked in the past. unfortunately, it may even be too late to grab these guys. as they are now older and more confident in life and dating with a wider range of options.

so unless these women decide to really reach for the bottom of the barrel and settle. most will remain single, occasionally dating a guy they can’t actually hold on to for a long term relationship, cause let’s be real, these guys will probably be dating them for easy sex. or if the woman is successful; a suger-mama.

i say this not to be mean and cynical, which i guess i kind of am. but i say it as a warning to the younger women in nyc, be more grateful and responsible of your youth, beauty and the power that you hold. cause it won’t last.

don’t get me wrong… women don’t HAVE to wear make-up, but do they just not care at all? compared to LA, nyc women just seem more frumpy and are letting themselves go. no wonder there are so many more single women in nyc than men.

the ladies need to put down those books for a second and put on a little lip gloss/eye liner. you don’t have to cake it on and you don’t have to do it every day, but make a little effort. especially if you are going “out” for the night.

of course, there are tons of model types and naturally beautiful girls running around the city and lucky for them, they don’t have to try. but they are only 5% of the population.

i want to go further into this subject, but for now i’m starting to realize how easy it is to get away with dating more than one girl when you live in nyc. it wasn’t my plan to do this. it’s just something that’s started to happen.

with everyone in nyc so busy and living in different parts of city it’s kind of easy to keep the girls separate throughout the week. the only problem comes when you find you just don’t have the time to date more than one or two at a time.

believe me, i never thought i would have this problem. some nights i would end up crying myself to sleep cause i was so damn lonely. yeah, pathetic i know. whatever. just cause i can be a dick sometimes doesn’t mean i’m totally without feelings.

anyway, i digress… all i’m saying is that i’m finding it a dangerous temptation to continue dating multiple girls so easily in nyc. this is something i have to think about. part of me doesn’t want to put up with the bullshit and drama, but part of me is finding it fun and exciting.  i’ll get back to this…

so I ended up going out for a drink with this girl I met. we first went to a bar in the lower east side. that one drink turned into three. next we were at another bar making out. it was really nice to have a girl so into me. does wonders for the ego.

after our fifth beer, I asked her if she wanted to crash at my place since i lived nearby. she said yes and off we were to making out on my couch and rolling into my bed.

we started out fondling each others privates and moved on to the real deal. but midway through, she stopped me cause she felt like it was “wrong” of us to be doing this on the first date. I of course grudgingly stopped and told her that I understood. we then fell asleep in each others arms.

the next morning or should I say noon, we woke up and stayed in bed. we talked about the night before and honestly seeing her in the daylight half naked on my bed. made me want to finish what we started the night before. this time she was more guilt free about it and all the clothes came off. she came first and after a while of me trying to savor the experience and everything about her, I finished too.

while I walked her to the train she told me she felt like everyone around her all knew what she had done last night. it was interesting to see a girl doing the “walk of shame”. although, I was walking with her so I don’t see what was wrong with it really. as a guy I always feel proud of myself and wished everyone knew what I had done.

so she went home to shower change and eat something. I met up with my good buddy for a late lunch. yes, we talked about my fun night and afternoon delight. he asked me a ton of questions gleefully. he’s been in a long term relationship for six years and loved hearing about my single life exploits.

after lunch I went home to shower and change also. I still had her scent all over me which I didn’t mind. surprisingly we decided to meet up again later that night at my place again to watch movies on couch together.

it was saturday and sunday was valentine’s day. I wasn’t sure yet how serious I was about this girl yet, but I knew I would like to date her for a bit to see where it goes. so I decided to buy her a rose. it was only two bucks but I knew it would be worth some big gold points.

so I gave her instructions on getting back to my place but she was new in town and ended up getting lost. I definitely felt like she lost points with me for not being able to follow simple instructions.

she finally gets to my place, i give her the rose and we watched movies and order delivery from a local diner. it turns out the that she’s kind if a movie snob and didn’t like a lot of movies. she hated and made fun of stardust which I think is a decent film. it was kind of annoying.

finally we just decide to go to bed since I told her she could sleep over again. we definitely kept each other up again that night and slept in on Sunday. we stayed in bed again and did it two more times in the afternoon.

she eventually left late that afternoon cause I was going to meet my family for dinner that night. she was still wondering if we would’ve kept talking to each other if she hadn’t had drinks and opened up. cause she said she is normally conservative. she worried she may have done too much too fast. I don’t know. maybe. but regretting it and over analyzing it isn’t going to make it better. at this point I was thinking we should just go with the flow and see where it takes us. so errr… happy valentine’s day?

living in the east village of nyc is great, but i can’t stand these people that practice their theater/drama club crap outside my window. they are so loud and do this silly counting exercise. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7… over and over… faster and faster… so damn gheeeey! they also do this retarded improve rap session, and obviously none of these fools have any skills. just imagine a bunch of super square white/hippies from the mid-west trying to rap. eminem would be embarrassed, at least i know i am.

another valentine’s day alone. who gives a flying fuck. i guess i could have found a bird to shack up with, but i don’t see the point in getting a girl just to shag her and toss her after this silly holiday if i’m not really interested in them. i mean i like getting laid and all, but unless they’re in it just to hit it, i’m not the leading someone on type. so perhaps i’ll go out for a pint and see what’s around, or just stay home, give it a wank and go to bed early. whatever.

so here is my first entry in my secret diary. inspired by the movie ‘pump up the volume’. while it may be a lame blog version, it’s mine.

one thing i will state clearly is that everything i write will be TRUE. only the names will be changed for obvious reasons. i kind of feel like this will be cathartic and therapeutic. i’m usually known as such a nice, quiet, friendly guy. and for the most part i am. i am polite and well mannered; that’s how i was raised. but for all my years my mind has always wanted to scream the truth at people. and to be honest, i just didn’t see the point in hurting people or making them feel stupid. so here we are. who am i?  doesn’t matter. just know i like my privacy.

so why don’t i do podcasts? i don’t have the time and honestly i prefer this medium. a place where i can quietly write what i want, when i want, without the judgment of my peers.